Domestic violence safety planning is the process of honestly measuring how dangerous your relationship is and putting concrete steps in place to protect yourself, your children, and your pets before, during, and after you leave. If you need to talk to someone right now, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.1National Domestic Violence Hotline. Domestic Violence Support What follows walks through how to gauge your risk, secure your privacy and finances quietly, prepare to leave, and use the legal protections that exist once you’re out.
How Dangerous Is Your Situation, Honestly
Abusive relationships are designed to distort your sense of how bad things are. A structured look at specific behaviors gives you a clearer picture than gut feeling can.
A few warning signs weigh more than others. Non-fatal strangulation is one of the strongest predictors of eventual homicide: research in the Journal of Emergency Medicine found it associated with more than six times the odds of an attempted homicide and over seven times the odds of a completed homicide.2PubMed Central. Non-Fatal Strangulation Is an Important Risk Factor for Homicide of Women If your partner has ever choked you, even once, treat that as a marker of substantially elevated danger regardless of anything else in the relationship.
Access to firearms is the other factor that transforms risk. An abused person is roughly five times more likely to be killed when the abuser has access to a gun. Explicit threats to kill you, your children, or your family should be taken at face value. Stalking, in person or online, reflects the kind of obsessive control that often precedes the most severe violence. Death threats combined with stalking and firearm access is the combination that fatality reviewers treat as an emergency.
Pregnancy and the postpartum period carry their own elevated danger. Homicide during pregnancy or within 42 days after the end of pregnancy exceeds every leading cause of maternal mortality by more than twofold.3PubMed Central. Homicide During Pregnancy and the Postpartum Period in the United States Cruelty to pets is another serious warning: threatening or injuring an animal often signals escalation toward more severe violence against you. Compounding factors include an abuser’s unemployment, drug use, prior criminal history, forced sexual contact, and estrangement, meaning you’ve recently left or tried to.
The Danger Assessment, developed by Dr. Jacquelyn Campbell, is the most widely validated tool for measuring the risk of intimate partner homicide. It has two parts. First, you mark on a calendar the approximate dates of physically abusive incidents over the past year, rating each on a severity scale from 1 (pushing, no injuries) to 5 (use of a weapon or weapon-related wounds). Second, you answer 20 yes-or-no questions about specific risk factors, and a weighted algorithm places you into one of four danger categories, from variable to extreme.4PubMed Central. The Danger Assessment: Validation of a Lethality Risk Assessment Instrument Advocates at shelters and hotlines routinely walk callers through it. You don’t have to score it yourself, and you don’t have to be in a shelter to access it. Its value is in forcing a systematic look at a situation you may have been minimizing for years.
Secure Your Devices Before You Research Anything Else
Before you call a hotline from your personal phone, search for shelters, or look up legal aid, consider whether your devices are being monitored. Stalkerware is commercial software an abuser can install on your phone to read texts, track your location, listen to calls, and see everything you search. These apps are intentionally hidden. The Federal Trade Commission notes that indirect signs include faster-than-usual battery drain, unexplained spikes in data usage, or unexpected changes to your phone’s settings.5Federal Trade Commission. Stalkerware: What To Know The biggest red flag is behavioral: the abuser knows things they shouldn’t, like the content of private conversations or your exact whereabouts.
If you suspect monitoring, don’t factory-reset the phone right away. Contact a domestic violence advocate from a different device first, such as a library computer or a friend’s phone. Advocates can help you preserve evidence of the surveillance before you remove it, which matters if you later seek a protection order or criminal charges. A factory reset wipes the stalkerware and the proof of it in one step.
GPS trackers on vehicles are also common. They’re often magnetic and attached under bumpers, inside wheel wells, or on the undercarriage frame. Check the OBD-II diagnostic port beneath the steering wheel for any unfamiliar plug-in device. If you find a tracker, photograph it and its location before removing it, then report it to law enforcement.
Locking Down Your Accounts
Change passwords on every account from a device you’re confident is clean. Turn on multifactor authentication, ideally through a new phone number or an authentication app rather than SMS to a number the abuser might still control.6Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency. More Than a Password Shared accounts for email, cloud storage, streaming services, or phone plans give an abuser a direct window into your activity. Separate them before you make moves that could reveal your plans. On any shared or monitored computer, use a private or incognito browser window and clear history afterward.
Protect Your Credit and Cash Access
Financial abuse is one of the most effective tools abusers use to keep someone trapped, and it doesn’t stop at separation. An abuser who has your Social Security number can open credit accounts in your name or run up existing debts. A credit freeze prevents anyone, including you, from opening new credit accounts until you lift the freeze. It’s free, lasts until you remove it, and doesn’t affect your credit score.7Federal Trade Commission. Credit Freezes and Fraud Alerts
You have to contact all three credit bureaus separately: Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion. Each will give you a PIN or password to lift the freeze later when you apply for housing or a job. If you’ve already been the victim of identity theft, an extended fraud alert lasts seven years and requires businesses to verify your identity before opening accounts; you’ll need an FTC identity theft report or a police report to qualify.7Federal Trade Commission. Credit Freezes and Fraud Alerts If you have children under 16, freeze their credit too. Abusers sometimes open accounts in a child’s name because the fraud goes undetected for years.
Pack a Crisis Kit Now
A crisis kit is a small bag kept somewhere the abuser won’t find it, ideally outside the home with a trusted person. The point is simple: when you leave, you shouldn’t have to come back for anything. Returning for a forgotten document is one of the most dangerous moments in the whole process.
- Identification: driver’s license, birth certificates, Social Security cards, passports, and immigration documents for you and your children
- Financial access: cash, a debit or prepaid card the abuser doesn’t know about, and a list of bank account numbers
- Legal papers: copies of any existing protection orders, marriage license, lease or mortgage documents, and custody paperwork
- Medical: current prescriptions, insurance cards, and vaccination records for your children
- Practical: spare car and house keys, a paper list of emergency contacts, a prepaid phone or charger
Store copies of critical documents digitally too, in a secure email or cloud account the abuser can’t access. Copies are better than nothing if gathering originals feels too risky. The goal is to be able to establish your identity, access money, and prove legal status without any further contact.
Staying Safer While You’re Still There
If you haven’t left yet, the daily goal is reducing your physical vulnerability during escalations. Know which rooms have two exits. Avoid rooms where you can be cornered or where potential weapons are within easy reach, especially kitchens and bathrooms. Practice opening window locks and door latches so you can do it fast under stress.
Set up a code word with a neighbor, friend, or family member. When they hear it, they call 911 without asking questions. Rehearse it. Keep a charged phone hidden in a consistent spot you can reach quickly, not just in your pocket where the abuser could take it during an argument.
If violence feels imminent, move toward a room with an exterior door. Make yourself a smaller target by curling into a ball and protecting your head and neck with your arms. As soon as there’s an opening, get out. Property can be replaced. The most dangerous room in the house is the one you can’t leave.
Planning the Actual Departure
Leaving is the most dangerous phase. Abusers who feel they’re losing control are statistically most violent during separation. Plan for a time when the abuser is predictably away, not for a moment of crisis when emotions run high and logistics fall apart.
Move your crisis kit to the car or a pickup point just before you go. If children are involved, prepare a believable reason for the outing in case the abuser comes back early. Drive directly to a shelter, police station, or another secure location you’ve identified in advance. Skip your usual grocery store or gas station on the way. Once you’ve left, don’t return to the home without a law enforcement escort.
If you drive your own vehicle, have it checked for GPS trackers before or right after you leave. If you suspect tracking and can’t check in time, use a rideshare, a friend’s car, or transportation arranged through a shelter.
Time Off Work to Handle It
Federal employees can use annual leave, sick leave, or leave without pay for safety planning, court appearances, relocating, or getting services from a domestic violence organization. A credible statement from the employee is generally enough documentation, and agencies shouldn’t require a police report as a condition of granting leave.8U.S. Office of Personnel Management. Fact Sheet: Time Off for Safe Leave Purposes Beyond the federal workforce, roughly half of the states have enacted domestic violence leave laws that give similar protection to private-sector workers. Check whether your state has a safe leave statute, because your employer may be required to give you time off for protection order hearings, medical appointments related to abuse, or relocation.
Legal Protections You Can Use After You Leave
Protection Orders Work Across State Lines
A protection order issued in one state is enforceable in every other state, on tribal land, and in U.S. territories. The Full Faith and Credit provision of the Violence Against Women Act, 18 U.S.C. § 2265, requires law enforcement in any jurisdiction to treat a valid out-of-state order as if their own court had issued it.9Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 18 USC 2265 – Full Faith and Credit Given to Protection Orders You don’t have to register the order in the new state for it to be enforceable, though doing so can speed the response if you call police.
Carry a copy at all times. Keep additional copies at your workplace, your children’s school, and in your vehicle. Violations typically result in arrest and can carry criminal contempt penalties. Under VAWA, filing and service fees for protection orders must be waived for survivors, so cost shouldn’t stop you from seeking one.
Federal law also criminalizes stalking and cyberstalking that crosses state lines or uses electronic communications, under 18 U.S.C. § 2261A. The statute covers conduct that places someone in reasonable fear of death or serious bodily injury to themselves, their family, or even their pets.10Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 18 USC 2261A – Stalking Document every digital contact with screenshots, dates, and times. That record supports both a protection order petition and a possible federal criminal complaint.
Firearm Prohibitions on Abusers
Federal law bars anyone subject to a qualifying domestic violence protection order from possessing firearms or ammunition. Under 18 U.S.C. § 922(g)(8), the order must have been issued after a hearing where the abuser had notice and a chance to participate, and it must either include a finding that the person is a credible threat to a partner or child or explicitly prohibit the use or threatened use of physical force.11Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 18 USC 922 – Unlawful Acts The Supreme Court upheld this prohibition in United States v. Rahimi in June 2024.12Supreme Court of the United States. United States v Rahimi, No 22-915 Violation carries a federal sentence of up to 15 years.13Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 18 USC 924 – Penalties Enforcement varies in practice, but if your qualifying order is in place and you know the abuser has guns, you can report the violation to federal authorities.
Housing Rights Under VAWA
If you live in federally subsidized or assisted housing, federal law prohibits your landlord from evicting you or terminating your assistance because you’re a victim of domestic violence. An incident of abuse cannot be treated as a lease violation by the victim. The protection sits in 34 U.S.C. § 12491, part of the Violence Against Women Act.14Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 34 USC 12491 – Housing Protections for Victims of Domestic Violence, Dating Violence, Sexual Assault, and Stalking
The same statute requires housing providers to offer emergency transfers. If you reasonably believe you face imminent harm by staying in your current unit, you can request a transfer to another available safe unit without losing your assistance. You can self-certify the abuse using HUD Form 5382, and the provider can’t demand more proof unless they have conflicting information.15U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development. Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) If you hold a Section 8 Housing Choice Voucher, you must be allowed to move with continued assistance. Many states also let survivors break a private-market lease early without financial penalty, typically on production of a police report or protection order. Documentation requirements and notice periods vary, so contact a local legal aid organization or your state’s domestic violence coalition for the specifics.
Keeping Your New Address Off Public Records
Once you relocate, the most common way an abuser finds you is through public records. Voter registration, vehicle registration, property records, and court filings can all expose your new address. Address Confidentiality Programs, which currently operate in at least 43 states, provide a substitute mailing address through the Secretary of State or Attorney General’s office. Government agencies accept the substitute address in place of your real home address on official documents, and mail sent there is forwarded by program staff.
Enrollment typically goes through an approved agency, usually a domestic violence shelter or victim services organization. Once enrolled, you can use the substitute address for voter registration, driver’s license records, school enrollment, and other government interactions. Voter records in particular are often treated as public and can be sold to data brokers; most Address Confidentiality Programs try to shield participant voter data, but the protection is not airtight. Beyond the formal program, opt out of people-search websites, set social media to private, and ask friends and family not to tag you in photos or check-ins that reveal your location.
Living Safely After Separation
Leaving doesn’t end the danger. It shifts where the danger shows up. Post-separation stalking is common, and your safety measures need to cover every part of your daily routine.
Tell your employer. Workplace safety plans can include screening visitors, moving your workspace, changing your schedule, reassigning your parking spot, or arranging an escort to and from the building. Your employer doesn’t need every detail, but they need enough to recognize the abuser and respond if that person shows up. Schools and childcare providers need the same information along with a copy of any protection order that limits the abuser’s contact with your children.
Change your phone number. Vary your routes to work and school. Shop at different stores. Use a different bank branch or switch banks. The goal is eliminating the predictability an abuser relies on. These adjustments feel exhausting and unfair, and they are both. They’re also temporary measures that become less necessary as time and legal enforcement create real distance.
Safer Custody Exchanges
If you share children and the abuser has visitation rights, custody exchanges are a recurring point of physical proximity that needs its own protocol. Supervised visitation and exchange centers exist for exactly this purpose. Well-run centers keep parents fully separated with different entrances, staggered arrival times (typically at least 15 minutes apart), separate parking areas, and staff monitoring throughout. Ask your attorney or advocate whether your area has a supervised exchange center, and request that the custody order specify its use.
If no center is available, exchanges at a police station lobby or another public location with security cameras give you some protection. Never exchange children at your home, which reveals your address, or at a private location without witnesses. Document every exchange: the time, any statements the abuser makes, and whether they comply with the terms of the custody order.
Pets Need a Plan Too
Abusers frequently target pets as a means of control, and fear of leaving an animal behind keeps many people in dangerous situations longer than they otherwise would stay. Only about one in five domestic violence shelters currently offer on-site pet programs, though the number is growing. If your local shelter doesn’t accept animals, ask about coordinated off-site fostering that partners shelters with temporary foster placements during your stay.
Plan for your pet the same way you plan for yourself. Gather veterinary records, medications, and vaccination documentation. Identify a friend, family member, or foster network willing to take the animal before you leave. Federal stalking law now explicitly covers threats against pets, so if your abuser has threatened your animal as a way of controlling you, that conduct may support a protection order or federal charges.10Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 18 USC 2261A – Stalking