You cannot sue someone for breaking your heart, but there are several legal ways to get revenge on a cheater that actually work: shift the financial outcome of your divorce, sue the third party in the handful of states that still allow it, trigger military discipline if your spouse wears a uniform, or enforce an infidelity clause in a prenup or postnup. Just as important, some of the most satisfying-sounding moves carry criminal penalties or civil liability that will leave you worse off than the person who cheated on you. The difference between justice and a new set of problems is knowing which lines you can walk up to and which ones you cannot cross.
Make the Affair Cost Them in the Divorce
The most reliable financial hit comes through the divorce itself. Every state offers no-fault divorce, but many still let you file on adultery grounds, and in those states proving the affair can change how property and support get divided. The specifics vary, so the first call is to a divorce attorney who can tell you whether fault filings carry any real weight in your jurisdiction.
Dissipation of Marital Assets
This is where most of the money is. If your spouse spent marital funds on the affair, whether on hotel rooms, gifts, vacations, or a separate apartment, courts can treat those expenditures as dissipation and adjust the property split to compensate you. Money that belonged to both of you was spent on something that benefited only one of you, so the remaining assets get divided to make up the difference.
You do not need to account for every dollar. The standard approach requires you to show that your spouse clearly intended to use marital assets for non-marital purposes. Once you establish that, the burden shifts to your spouse to prove the expenditures were legitimate. Useful evidence includes credit card statements showing unusual purchases, bank records with unexplained withdrawals, and transfers to accounts held with a third party. Large withdrawals made close to the filing date are especially persuasive.
Alimony
A significant number of states let courts consider adultery when setting spousal support. A cheating spouse who would otherwise receive alimony might get a reduced award or nothing at all, and the faithful spouse’s award can be increased. Some states treat adultery as one factor among many; others give it substantial weight only when the affair had a direct financial impact on the marriage.
Alimony can also be a pressure point after the divorce. In many states, payments end automatically if the receiving spouse remarries, and a growing number of states allow the paying spouse to petition for a reduction or termination if the recipient moves in with a new partner in a financially supportive relationship. Courts look at whether the couple shares expenses, pools assets, or holds themselves out as partners.
One Boundary: Custody
Custody decisions turn on the child’s best interests, not on the parents’ behavior toward each other. An unfaithful spouse can still be an excellent parent, and courts recognize that. Infidelity alone almost never changes a custody outcome. The exception is when the affair directly harmed the child, and even then the court is responding to the harm, not punishing the cheating.
Sue the Third Party Directly
In a handful of states you can bypass your spouse entirely and sue the person they slept with. These “heart balm” torts are among the most direct legal tools available, and jury awards can be enormous. Two claims do the work.
Alienation of affection targets someone who deliberately interfered with your marriage and destroyed the love and affection between you and your spouse. You need to show that a genuine, loving marriage existed, that the love was destroyed or diminished, and that the defendant’s deliberate actions caused it. Sexual contact is not required; emotional manipulation or a sustained romantic relationship can be enough.
Criminal conversation, despite the name, is a civil claim focused on sexual intercourse. You need to prove only that a valid marriage existed and that the defendant had sex with your spouse during the marriage. Intent and emotional impact matter less because the sex act itself is the basis of the claim.
These claims survive in only six states: Hawaii, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, and Utah.1Cornell Law School. Criminal Conversation Tort North Carolina produces the most litigation, and verdicts there have ranged from several hundred thousand dollars to tens of millions, including a 2011 judgment of $30 million. Every other state has abolished these claims, so check your state before investing in the strategy.
Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress
If the affair involved conduct that went well beyond ordinary cheating, you may have a claim for intentional infliction of emotional distress against either your spouse or the third party. This is available in every state, but the bar is set very high. Courts require conduct so extreme that a reasonable person would consider it beyond all bounds of decency.
Ordinary infidelity does not meet that standard, no matter how painful. Where these claims gain traction is when the affair came with something more: sustained public humiliation, threatening or harassing messages, gaslighting that caused documented psychological harm, or deliberate cruelty layered on top of the cheating. The distress you suffered must also be severe enough that a court would consider it unreasonable for anyone to endure. When the facts are bad enough, damages can be significant precisely because the conduct had to be that extreme to get past the threshold.
If Your Spouse Is in the Military
Adultery by a service member carries consequences that do not exist in civilian life. Under Article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, adultery is a chargeable offense, but only when the conduct was prejudicial to good order and discipline or brought discredit upon the armed forces.2US Courts of Appeals for the Armed Forces Digest. Article 134 — Adultery That terminal element matters. A service member cannot be convicted simply for having an affair; the affair must also have harmed unit cohesion, the chain of command, or the military’s reputation.
When charges stick, the maximum punishment includes a dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and up to one year of confinement. Outcomes in practice range from non-judicial punishment under Article 15 to administrative separation to a full court-martial. An affair with a subordinate’s spouse, for example, is far more likely to trigger serious consequences than one with no connection to duty. If you believe the affair meets the service-discrediting standard, reporting it to the commanding officer starts the process.
Enforce an Infidelity Clause
If you are not yet married, or you are willing to negotiate a postnuptial agreement, an infidelity clause builds financial consequences directly into your marital contract. These clauses typically specify that if one spouse cheats, the other receives a larger share of assets, additional support, or a lump-sum penalty. They function as a private agreement rather than relying on a judge’s discretion.
Enforceability is the catch. Courts in many states will uphold an infidelity clause if the language clearly defines what counts as infidelity, the penalty is proportional rather than punitive, and both parties entered the agreement voluntarily with full financial disclosure. A clause demanding millions for a single incident is more likely to be struck as unconscionable, and vague terms like “inappropriate behavior” invite challenges. The strongest clauses specify the triggering conduct, the exact financial consequence, and how the violation will be proven.
If you already have a prenup without an infidelity clause, a postnup can add one after the wedding. Some couples negotiate postnuptial agreements after an affair is discovered, as a condition of staying in the marriage.
What Will Absolutely Backfire
The urge to expose or humiliate a cheating spouse is understandable, but several of the most satisfying-sounding tactics carry criminal penalties or civil liability that will undermine every legal advantage you are trying to build. Judges also notice vindictive behavior, and it rarely helps your divorce case.
Hacking Their Accounts
Logging into your spouse’s email, reading their texts, or installing tracking software on their phone without their knowledge can violate the Stored Communications Act, a federal law prohibiting intentional access to stored electronic communications without authorization. A first offense committed to further a tortious act, which includes gathering evidence against a spouse, carries up to five years in federal prison.3Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 18 USC 2701 Unlawful Access to Stored Communications A password your spouse once shared for a specific purpose does not give you blanket authorization to search their accounts. Each access or disclosure of what you find can be a separate violation. Evidence obtained this way is also often inadmissible in divorce proceedings, so you could commit a federal crime and gain nothing usable in court.
Sharing Intimate Images
Distributing intimate photos or videos of your spouse or the third party without their consent is actionable under federal law. A person whose intimate images are disclosed without consent can sue and recover either actual damages or $150,000 in liquidated damages, plus attorney’s fees.4Office of the Law Revision Counsel. 15 USC 6851 Civil Action Relating to Disclosure of Intimate Images Consent to being photographed is not consent to distribution. Most states also have their own criminal revenge-porn statutes on top of the federal civil remedy. Posting intimate images online turns you from the wronged party into the defendant.
Calling Their Boss
Contacting your spouse’s employer to expose the affair opens you up to defamation and tortious interference claims. Even if what you say is true, proving truth in court is expensive and stressful, and any inaccuracy or embellishment gives the cheater a viable lawsuit against you. The momentary satisfaction of embarrassing them at work is rarely worth the legal exposure.
Destroying Property or Harassing Them
Smashing a windshield, cutting up clothes, or keying a car is criminal property destruction regardless of whether the property is technically marital. Repeatedly showing up at a lover’s home or workplace, sending threatening messages, or posting obsessively on social media can produce restraining orders, harassment charges, or stalking charges depending on your state. Any of it will be presented to the divorce court as evidence that you are unstable, which directly undermines your credibility on custody, support, and property.
Gathering Evidence Without Breaking the Law
Every option above requires evidence, and how you collect it matters as much as what it shows. Evidence obtained illegally can be excluded and can generate its own criminal charges or civil claims against you.
Start with what you already have legitimate access to. Joint bank statements, shared credit card records, and financial documents you can reach through normal marital channels are fair game. If you notice unusual transactions, screenshot and preserve them before your spouse can hide the records. Dissipation claims live or die on the paper trail.
A licensed private investigator is often the safest way to build a case. Surveillance in public places, background checks, and photographic documentation are generally admissible when collected by a licensed professional working within the law. Rates typically run $50 to $250 per hour depending on location and complexity. A PI who specializes in domestic investigations will know what your attorney needs and how to get it legally.
Keep a personal timeline: dates, conversations, behavioral changes, and any admissions your spouse made. Text messages and emails your spouse voluntarily sent to you are typically admissible, and screenshots of public social media posts are fine. What you cannot do is intercept private communications, install hidden cameras where someone has a reasonable expectation of privacy, or access password-protected accounts without authorization.
The most common mistake is rushing to gather proof before talking to a lawyer. A family law attorney in your state can tell you exactly what evidence will matter in your jurisdiction and what methods of collecting it are legal. One conversation can keep you from destroying your own case.