A letter of wishes is a private, non-binding document you leave alongside your will to guide your executor or trustee on things the will doesn’t address: funeral preferences, who should get sentimental items, how a guardian should raise your children, how to access your digital accounts, and the reasoning behind choices that might otherwise puzzle or upset your family. It carries no legal force, which means your executor can consider it but cannot be compelled to follow it. That informality is the point. You can write it in your own words, update it whenever you want, and cover ground a formal will shouldn’t touch.
What the Letter Can and Can’t Do
A will has to meet strict signing and witnessing requirements and goes through probate after your death. A letter of wishes skips all of that. It is correspondence between you and your executor, offering guidance rather than creating enforceable obligations. No court will treat it as a legal directive.
That doesn’t make it useless. Executors and trustees have a fiduciary duty to act in the best interest of the estate and its beneficiaries, and knowing what you actually wanted helps them exercise judgment. Many fiduciaries treat the letter as their first reference point for decisions the will doesn’t cover.
One hard limit: if your letter contradicts your will, the will wins every time. A contradictory letter can even be used as evidence of ambiguity, which gives unhappy beneficiaries ammunition for a legal challenge. The letter supplements your will. It never overrides it.
What to Put in a Letter of Wishes
The letter handles personal values, explanations, preferences, and the practical knowledge your executor needs but your will can’t carry. The best ones read like a conversation with the people you’re leaving behind.
Funeral and Burial Preferences
Wills are typically read days or weeks after death, so funeral instructions tucked inside legal documents often arrive too late. The letter is the right place because your executor can access it immediately. Spell out burial or cremation, religious or secular service, specific music or readings. If you’ve prepaid for a funeral plan, include the provider’s name and contract number so your family isn’t searching for paperwork during the worst week of their lives.
Sentimental Personal Items
Family fights over low-value heirlooms are common and often more bitter than disputes over money. Your letter can explain why you want a particular person to have a particular item, which does something a bare list cannot: it reduces resentment. “I want Sarah to have Mom’s recipe box because she’s the one who always cooked with her” lands differently than “Sarah: recipe box.” For items with real monetary value, use your will instead. The letter works best for things whose worth is emotional.
Guidance for a Guardian
If your will names a guardian for minor children, the letter is where you give that guardian a roadmap. Cover religious upbringing, school preferences, traditions you’d like maintained, how you feel about screen time, and how you’d want any funds used for the children’s benefit. These details are too personal and too changeable for a will, but they help a guardian maintain continuity through a hard transition.
Pet Care Instructions
Every state now allows legally enforceable pet trusts, which fund and structure care of your animals after your death. If you have a pet trust, the letter is where you tell the caretaker how to actually care for the animal: brand of food, medication schedules, behavioral quirks, veterinarian’s name. The trust provides money and legal structure. The letter provides the knowledge that keeps your pet’s life stable. Without a pet trust, instructions in a letter alone give your executor no legal obligation or funding mechanism to follow through.
Digital Accounts and Access
Nearly every state has adopted the Revised Uniform Fiduciary Access to Digital Assets Act, which lets your executor manage digital property, but only if your estate planning documents grant that authority. Your will or power of attorney should formally designate your executor’s power over digital assets. The letter can then provide the practical access information: a list of accounts, the name of your password manager, and notes about two-factor authentication.
Be careful here. Listing passwords directly in the letter means anyone who finds it has access to your accounts. A safer approach is to use a password manager and include only the master credentials, stored securely. Accounts with monetary value — bank accounts, investment platforms, cryptocurrency wallets — belong in your formal estate plan, not solely in a non-binding letter.
Explanations You Want Kept Private
A probated will becomes public record. A letter of wishes is not filed with any court. If you’re leaving one child less than another because you helped them financially during your lifetime, the letter lets you explain that reasoning to your executor without broadcasting it. If the estate becomes the subject of litigation, the letter could be requested in discovery, so privacy during normal administration is not the same as legal privilege.
When You Actually Need a Binding List Instead
Many people reach for a letter of wishes when what they actually need is a separate signed list for tangible personal property. A majority of states have adopted a version of Uniform Probate Code Section 2-513, which allows a signed list that directs who receives specific physical items. That list is enforceable in probate, unlike a letter of wishes. It must be signed by you, describe items and recipients clearly, be referenced in your will, and cover only tangible personal property — not money, real estate, or financial accounts.
The real advantage is flexibility. You can update the list whenever you want without the formality required to change a will. If your main goal is directing specific belongings, ask your attorney whether your state recognizes this kind of binding list before settling for a non-binding letter.
Where Letters of Wishes Go Wrong
The biggest risk is a letter that contradicts your will or trust. If your will leaves your estate equally to three children but your letter asks the executor to give one child a disproportionate share of personal property, you’ve created a conflict. The will controls, but the letter can be introduced as evidence that your intentions were unclear, opening the door to a challenge that costs the estate money and delays distribution for everyone.
Executors face a real bind. Their fiduciary duty runs to the terms of the will and the beneficiaries it names, not to a non-binding letter. An executor who follows letter instructions that reduce a beneficiary’s inheritance has arguably breached that duty and can be held personally liable. The safe path is to follow the will first and treat the letter as guidance only where the will is silent or grants discretion.
Before finalizing your letter, compare it line by line against your will. Every instruction should fit within the framework your will establishes.
Watch for tax triggers too. If your letter suggests giving someone an item worth more than the annual gift tax exclusion, that gift may create reporting requirements for your estate. For 2026, the IRS sets the annual exclusion at $19,000 per recipient, and married couples can combine their exclusions for up to $38,000 per recipient without a filing obligation.1Internal Revenue Service. Frequently Asked Questions on Gift Taxes Items below that threshold generally don’t create tax paperwork. High-value collections, artwork, or jewelry belong in your formal will so the tax consequences can be handled properly.
How to Write It
No special format is required, which is both the advantage and the trap. Without structure, letters tend to ramble or leave out critical details. A few guidelines keep the document useful:
- Use plain, specific language. “I’d like my son to have my Martin acoustic guitar, serial number 12345” is useful. “I hope my musical instruments find good homes” is not.
- Organize by topic. Group funeral instructions, personal property wishes, guardian guidance, and digital access into separate sections so your executor can find what they need quickly.
- Sign and date every page. This establishes which version is current if you write multiple drafts. You don’t need witnesses or a notary.
- Explain your reasoning. A bare list invites questions. Brief explanations reduce family conflict and help your executor defend decisions to unhappy relatives.
- Use full legal names. Ambiguity in a non-binding document is a recipe for arguments.
Some attorneys will review a letter as part of a broader estate planning engagement, typically at their hourly rate. If your letter covers only funeral preferences and a few sentimental items, you probably don’t need legal review. If it addresses guardian instructions, digital assets, or items of significant value, professional review helps ensure it doesn’t inadvertently conflict with your will.
Where to Keep It and When to Update
Store the original with your will. If your will is in a fireproof safe at home, the letter goes there too. If your attorney holds the original will, give them the letter as well. Whoever finds your will should find the letter at the same time. A letter discovered six months after your estate is settled helps no one.
Give copies to your executor and any successor executors so they know the document exists before they need it. Some people also notify key beneficiaries that a letter exists without sharing its contents, which manages expectations without spoiling anything you’d prefer kept private.
A digital backup in a secure cloud vault or password manager protects against fire, flood, or losing track of the paper. If the letter contains account credentials, encrypt the digital copy or store it behind strong authentication.
Review the letter every two to three years, and update it immediately after major life changes: marriage, divorce, the birth of a child or grandchild, the death of someone named in the letter, a significant change in your finances, or a move to a different state. Because no formal process is required to amend it, updating takes minutes. Destroy old versions when you create new ones so your executor isn’t left guessing which draft reflects your current thinking.